Can AI be a good listener?

The important work of engaging with empathy

I don’t need to tell any reader of this newsletter that generative AI is an astounding technology. I use it every day with great pleasure: it’s fun, and for many of my purposes - particularly for summarizing long articles and complex arguments - it proves to be extremely practical. LLMs are extremely efficient at translation, abridging and explaining complex language.

However, there are some areas where the promise of AI is held back by the very features that make LLMs successful for these pragmatic tasks.

As an example, along with Dr Erik Reis at Nobody Studios I have experimented with creating chatbots for patients, to help them prepare for visits with their doctor.  The simple idea is that the chatbot should help the patient by suggesting questions to ask, the better to ensure the patient gets the most out of their appointment and thus to help the doctor too. The promising of AI is not only that we can build this handy tool, but that we can also scale this to cover thousands of interactions in a way that a helpline could not do.

However, there are interesting barriers in the way. For all sorts of good reasons, ranging from fear of hallucinations to fear of lawsuits, we don’t want the chatbot to give a diagnosis - just don’t do it! But that simple constraint is really difficult to implement. LLMs love to give advice and in particular they love to structure that advice as positive, prescriptive answers.

There are other scenarios where prescriptive active advice is not what is best for the user. In coaching, counseling, or mentoring scenarios, empathy is of the greatest importance. And empathy is about listening, not advising.

Empathy and emotion

"Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. Instead of offering empathy, we often have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy, however, calls upon us to empty our mind and listen to others with our whole being." ~ Marshall B. Rosenberg

I’m going to cut to the chase, because I know you like new tech and trying things out for yourself. I wrote about untapped.ai in October, in a post about emotional intelligence and AI. They have now created a fascinating chatbot within ChatGPT called Bea. You can chat with Bea at this link. Then come back and see why I find Bea to be very different and very compelling. Go on …

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OK, wasn’t that interesting?

Bea's responses are strong on emotional validation and support. In scenarios like coaching or counseling, where emotional intelligence and the ability to empathize are crucial, Bea meets the needs of users seeking understanding and emotional connection.

Traditional chatbots may focus more on problem-solving and practical advice, even overlooking the emotional aspects of a situation. This approach might disastrously miss the crucial element of support, which is often necessary for effective coaching and counseling.

You  may notice that Bea is very conversational, often using questions to prompt self-reflection. This contrasts with other chatbots which typically adopt a more directive or informative style, providing answers and solutions without engaging the user’s reflection. It might feel efficient, but it’s not going to help the user's personal growth or self-understanding.

Mentoring Murakami

I wanted to give you some examples of Bea in action, compared to other chatbots, but while I found her responses deeply helpful, I am not quite ready to share my own miseries with you, dear reader. So I turned to some fictional examples.

Here’s a sad paragraph from Murakami’s, Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage …

One day my four closest friends, the friends I have known for a long time, announced they did not want to see me, or talk with me, ever again. It was a sudden, decisive declaration, with no room for compromise. They gave no explanation, not a word for this harsh pronouncement. And I don't dare ask.

Here’s an answer from Anthropic’s Claude chatbot:

Claude

I'm sorry to hear your friends abruptly and inexplicably cut off contact with you. That must be incredibly painful and confusing. A few thoughts come to mind:

First, try not to take it personally or blame yourself. Unless they provide an explanation, you have no way of knowing why they did this. It likely has much more to do with them and dynamics within the group than it does with you.

Second, allow yourself to fully feel and process the grief over losing these friendships. Cry if you need to. Confide in other loved ones. Don't ignore or suppress the hurt—work through it. This will help you begin healing.

Third, resist the temptation to cling to the friends who rejected you or beg for another chance. As hard as it is, try to accept their decision with grace and preserve your dignity. If they left for selfish reasons, they don't deserve your distress.

Fourth, lean on other friends and family who value you. Reflect on the meaningful relationships still present in your life. This painful incident can show you where genuine care and support exist.

Finally, in time this loss may come to reveal an opportunity—a chance to form new friendships with people who cherish you. Be open to new connections. You have a caring heart with much to offer others.

This is a wound that words cannot easily remedy. But know that your worth isn't defined by their rejection. You are still the wonderful person you have always been. With self-compassion, may you find peace. My thoughts are with you during this difficult transition.

Just looking at this answer on its own, you might think it quite good. It’s detailed, practical and nicely structured. But is it good advice?

Actually, that’s not the point. It’s all advice! There’s no listening, no asking and very little validation. It’s just a list of things to do, with no teasing out of the emotions involved, or what would work best for Tsukuru.

Here’s Bea’s response …

Bea

I’m genuinely sorry to hear about what you're going through. Losing not just one, but four close friends in such a sudden and absolute way must be incredibly painful and confusing. It's natural to feel a mix of emotions: sadness, anger, maybe even a sense of betrayal or abandonment.

When something like this happens without explanation, it can leave you with so many unanswered questions and a sense of unresolved feelings. It's like you're left holding a storybook with the last chapter ripped out. You're left wondering, "What did I do? Could I have prevented this? Is there something wrong with me?"

But let's take a step back for a moment. Remember, their decision to cut off contact without explanation is a reflection of their choices and perhaps their own challenges, not necessarily a reflection of your worth or your actions. It's really tough, but sometimes people make decisions that we can't understand or control, and that's more about where they are in their lives than where you are in yours.

Have you had a chance to reflect on any changes or events that might have led up to this moment? Sometimes, looking back, we might find clues or understandings we missed in the heat of the moment.

And most importantly, how are you taking care of yourself during this tough time? It's important to acknowledge your feelings and give yourself space to grieve the loss of these friendships.

This is very different. There’s no list of actions to take, but an encouragement to reflect. There’s a lovely use of analogy which can help someone who may have difficulty articulating their experience to find a way of expressing the sense of loss. This is only the start of the conversation, but that’s the whole point: it is the start of a conversation.

Blaming the victim is not good mentoring

One more example. I took this from a corporate mentoring handbook, which included some case studies for would-be mentors to practice with …

As a tech worker, I am facing a difficult situation with a colleague who is also a team lead. This person frequently disregards my suggestions in meetings and prefers to follow their own approaches exclusively, causing my contributions to be overlooked and making me feel undervalued. Unrealistic deadlines set by this colleague have also led to long work hours that are interfering with my personal life and affecting my moods and relationships outside of work. Despite attempts to improve our working relationship through one-on-one discussions, there has been no significant change. This situation is hindering my career growth and advancement opportunities at the company due to an inability to properly showcase my full potential. I am now at a crossroads regarding how to best resolve this ongoing professional and personal challenge. I'm considering discussing this with our manager or HR, but I'm concerned about potential repercussions or being perceived as unable to handle team dynamics.

Actually, that sounds quite familiar. Did they read my file?!

Here’s an answer from ChatGPT-4, which is the technology framework that Bea uses, but without Bea’s training.

ChatGPT-4

In dealing with the challenging situation at your workplace, where your contributions are overlooked and unrealistic deadlines are imposed, it's essential to approach the issue methodically. Start by documenting specific incidents where your input was disregarded or when you were given unreasonable deadlines. This will serve as tangible evidence when discussing the issue with your peers, manager, or HR.

Seeking feedback from other team members can also offer a broader perspective on the situation. They might have experienced similar issues or have useful insights.

When you're ready, prepare for a discussion with your manager or HR. Focus on presenting the facts and specific examples rather than solely expressing emotions. It's important to clearly define your objectives for this conversation and consider suggesting potential solutions.

During the meeting, maintain a professional demeanor and articulate how the situation impacts both your work and personal well-being. Be open to feedback and suggestions they might offer.

In parallel, look into enhancing your skills through training or workshops, and consider building a broader network within your organization for additional support.

If the work environment continues to affect your well-being negatively, it might be time to evaluate your position in the company and consider if it aligns with your career goals and personal health. Remember, while it's crucial to seek a resolution within your team or company, prioritizing your own well-being and career aspirations is equally important.

This is super practical. Start documenting everything for HR and collecting evidence. Define your objectives! And meanwhile enhance your skills, because obviously you’re part of the problem. And build a network, why don’t you?

At this point, the emotionally vulnerable are likely to be as wounded by the advisor as by the difficult colleague.

Let’s ask Bea instead …

Bea

It sounds like you're navigating a complex and challenging situation at work. Dealing with a colleague whose working style clashes with yours, especially when they're in a leadership position, can be quite disheartening. It's clear that this is not just a professional hurdle for you, but also a personal one, impacting your self-esteem, work-life balance, and even your relationships outside of work.

The feeling of being undervalued and ignored, particularly when you're putting in so much effort and dedication, is understandably frustrating. It can lead to a sense of powerlessness, which is tough to deal with. Have you noticed how this situation has specifically affected your view of yourself and your work?

The issue of unrealistic deadlines is another significant concern. It's alarming how this has led to late nights and working over the weekends, disrupting your personal life. How are you coping with this added stress? Have you found any strategies that help you manage or has it been overwhelming?

It's commendable that you've tried to address the issue directly with your colleague. These conversations can be difficult, and it takes courage to initiate them. Reflecting on these meetings, what do you think was missing or could have been approached differently to make them more effective?

Considering talking to your manager or HR is a big step. It's natural to worry about potential repercussions or how you might be perceived. What are your main concerns about taking this step? On the flip side, what outcomes are you hoping for if you do decide to speak with them?

This crossroads you're at can feel like a daunting place, but it's also a point where significant positive change can begin. Let's explore your thoughts and feelings about these options, and how you might approach the next steps in a way that aligns with your professional goals and personal well-being.

Now you can see the difference, right? What a difference the training by Untapped has made.

If you would like to try Bea for yourself, here’s the link again.

And to know more about the remarkable work that Untapped have done to make this more humane approach possible, read my earlier newsletter or www.untapped.ai and reach out to them directly. This is important work.